Confess - With Father Lloydie

[Lloydie]

I taught I'd allow ye'll ta see dat even the Father Lloydie can be making a bit o' a howler now and agin:

It was 1977 and I was sent to work for the day on the “sick ward” of a certain large psychiatric hospital.  The “sick ward” was a bit of a misnomer, ‘cos it mainly dealt with the aging long-stay population of folk whom other wards found it to difficult to cater for their chronic physical problems.  However, we did have in two gentlemen who had acute illnesses and had been in for a few days.  One was very well known to the hospital, as he had been in several times, but sadly was very ill and had appeared to have “given up the ghost” following his wife’s recent death.  The other chap had an infection which was being successfully treated and was expected to be moved out of the ward in a few days.
Now, the curious thing about these chaps was that they both shared the same name, for example, and to protect confidentiality, “Bill Smith”.  Not only that, but they both had sons who worked for the same “organisation”.  One worked “directly with the public” and the other was a mechanic who kept the cars running.  The emergency daytime contact number was even the same one for both.  

Anyway, late in the morning the charge nurse came up to us and told us that the ailing patient had sadly died and that he was going to ‘phone his son.  The charge nurse was acutely aware of the potential for a cock-up with these two patients and checked and double-checked to ensure that he got the right son, and then broke the bad news.  The son was sad but it had been expected and he said that he would come along to the ward in due course to pay his respects.

About an hour later this guy came on to the ward.  I greeted him and he said:
 â€œI’m Bill Smith’s son” I’ve come to see my father.
 â€œah” said I, putting a sorrowful look on my face,  â€œPlease come with me”.  
As I led him to the room at the end of the ward I was a bit taken aback when he asked on the way:
“How is he then?”
I struggled with this for a moment, but I had just read a book on grieving and thought ‘ah – he’s in denial, you’ll have to re-orientate him to the reality of the situation’ so I said:
“Well, he deteriorated quickly, but he did die peacefully”
 I was even more surprised by his next reaction.  He became really distressed and said
 â€œWell….well……. when…when did he start to deteriorate?”
 to which I replied
“Well, when his wife died really”
 Then with his near hysterical outburst of:
“OH MY GOD!!! – MY MOTHER’S DEAD TOO?!!!!”
  the awful and ghastly truth finally dawned on me -  I had the wrong man!!  

He was so cheered up when I explained the mistake that he never did report me, and I never told the charge nurse either.


Father Lloydie writes

Oi Forgive meself so i do

[Moley]

Forgive me Father for I have sinned (It's Me..Moley again I'm afraid)

It was the Second year in College..The year of Hell ! They threw everything at us. Teaching Practice in a rough Secondary, exams,"The Littoral Zone " OMG OMG.
The only thing that kept me going was that I'd met this "Pretty young Girl"
- Small, Dark, Oriental         - ( O.K. Huw, stop sniggering, I know you know my weakness).
Anyway, I thought I'd made it..BUT
I was studying Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Maths..(What a NERD !)
At the end of the second year they said that all Science students had to attend a "FIELD COURSE"
This involved the first two weeks of what was supposed to be the "SUMMER HOLIDAY"
We were expected to go stay on campus somewhere called "Rhyd y Craeau" near Llanrwst.
Study all day and deliver presentations in the evenings. WOT - NO BEER !
EXACTLY !      
I had no choice but to go or lose marks.
So there I was, stuck, hard graft, No Pub, Presentations every evening, No Young Oriental girl !        
Then inspiration      
Near Llanrwst there is an ancient bridge. I had noticed that the Flora growth on one side of ths bridge differed greatly from the flora (Plant life) on the other side. I formulated a plan with my then college mate John.
John was an Americanophile and deeply into American Cars. I convinced him that if he went along with my plan, I could get him into a pub for Saturday afternoon.
We convinced the lecturers that we were so interested in the Flora on this bridge that our presentation would be a research into why it was so different on both sides.
We were allowed out from campus to do our research.
That Saturday we spent in the Pub.
We drank beer, speculated, drank more beer and totally fabricated evidence as to why the flora on one side differed to the other. We connocted temperature graphs, prevailing wind stats, sunlight hours ..the lot. All in the space of about an hour.. then got on with serious drinking.
At about 16:30 John thought that since we had such a good time we should at least go out and have a look at the bridge. So we did. We went out in his American car..(An Oldsmobile Cutlass if I remember rightly).
Whilt we were studying the bridge, some Locals came over.
They asked us who we were and what we were doing. Greatly under the influence of drink and in my "Best American accent" I answered..
"Shucks folks, we just done gone and bought this little old bridge and are gonne be dismanteling it and shipping it back to the Good Old U.S. of A."
We left it at that.
When we went back on campus. everyone presented their thesis.
All were absolute CRAP, - Except ours.
Ours was absolutely fantastic. Coupled with the guilt and knowledge that all the evidence was fabricated, I put on a "HELLUVA SHOW" (Moley in Pantomime mode). The Lecturers were amazed. we were congratulated on such a detailed scientific analysis. There was even talk of our results being forwarded to "New Scientist"
Our Marks that year was very high      
Anyway..   After another slightly embarrassing event.. (Mayby I'll confess later ) we were finally allowed our SUMMER HOLIDAY.

A couple of weeks later I was watching the Welsh news on S4C.
The headline was that  Protest group had been formed in Llanrwst and were absolutely furious that their historic bridge ..
..Had been sold to the Americans.. one protestor was arrested for hitting a policeman.

Sorry !

[Lloydie]

Father Lloydie writes

BeJeysus, ye brudders are kippin me in full toime confessional so's ye are!!

I'm sorry ta say dat der are a number o serious tings about this story, dat we shud aul take toime out ta reflect upon:

Our American cousins bein wrongfully accused of profiteerin!!!! Media manipulation!! Academic fraud!!!  Incitement ta roit!!!  Guarda bein assaulted!!!  an all drivin by der divil drink!!!

But on der down side, Oi am concerned dat yer first toughts were not ta be meetin yer little lady, but ta go ta der Inn of Ruin.  Oi derfore giv ta ye a penance: dat ye must obey der command of the "pretty girl" fer a whole week!

Only then will ye be:

Forgiven

Father Lloydie


PS on reflection, Oi tink dat dat's a fearful punishmint fer any man - so ...make it a day an we'll call it quits wit yer man upstairs

   FL

[dogberry]

keep it up everyone...i haven't laughed so much in years   ....you are also stirring up memories of other incidents which I dare not share for I would probably end up being locked up or struck down by the almighty......

dont be shy there must be loads more sinners out there!!!!!!

[Huw]

....you are also stirring up memories of other incidents which I dare not share for I would probably end up being locked up

That's my problem too !! Having given the matter some thought it seems that when I transgress I 'do it properly'    

[Moley]

Father Lloydie writes




But on der down side, Oi am concerned dat yer first toughts were not ta be meetin yer little lady, but ta go ta der Inn of Ruin.  
Father Lloydie




   FL

Ahem..I'm afraid Father that the second part of the confession involves the "little lady"

Forgive me Father for I have Sinned (Part II)

It was whilst on the Field course mentioned above that I had another "Brilliant" idea.
As I have already told you I had achieved the objective of having the Saturday off and the luxury of a nice pint (or two). But hadn't seen the "Little lady" for over a week. Well Father, you know what young love is !
My second brilliant idea came as we were rounding up our presentation that Saturday night. I noticed that one particular student wase a bit upset that he would be missing "CHURCH" the following day (Sunday). I think his name was Paul and he was part of the evangelical movement or something. He didn't think he should be missing Sunday worship or doing Field work on a Sunday.
IDEA  
I went up to the lecturers and told them that  ALL the students were very upset that WE would be missing Church service that Sunday and that as we were all "Rather religious"    it went against our beliefs and convictions to be "Doing work on the Seventh day which is the Sabbath".  Fair play to the Head Lecturer , even though he was an Aethist and a Communist, he was( Still is) a great guy and very respectful of other people's views. He arranged that ALL students could attend a Church service at the local church and even offered to drive one of the minibuses there. (Morning and Evening)
That Sunday morning, I was up at 7:00am. Through the window, down the drainpipe, into my Morris 1000 and off to see my "Little Lady"

 

B.T.W. I've been with the "little lady" now for 31 years 5 months
Does this count towards the pennance ?

[Huw]

Forgive me Father for I have sinned,

Huw here Father Lloydie. Just a little confession to start with.

Would you be knowing that Sister Susan, the one who goes to the TK Greenock Convent ? Well, if you do know her then you'd know that she's very keen on womens problems, and doing her physical jerks. Well you see Father I must confess to winding her up about these things. Just occasionally I've said some things just knowing that Sister Susan would get annoyed. And you know what those convent girls are like once they get going. On and on and on - something fearful Father.

Anyway, sorry to Sister Susan for winding her up  

[Lloydie]

Father Lloydie writes:

Oi've come back frem a wee sabbatical wit Sister Bridget o'th The Holy Order of the Riverdance.....an whit do Oi foind???  BLASPHEMY!!!  Der sinner Moley perpetratin a most fraudulant practice upon der Holy Church!!!

Oi will come down upon ye wit Furious Anger, Ye sinful fella ye be!!!
Dis will take a whippin...or...or...a.....a.....beatin...or...or..a..(Whits dat Sister Bridget..be quiet now I have a feaful sinner on me hands....QUOITE I SAY!)...or....bein dragged wit da horses - dat's always a good one...(WHIT YE SAYIN WOMAN??? A WHIT?? RE-READ WHIT????  

FAITH & BEGORA!!! Yer man was a commie!! and an aethist???

Moley ye were right ta break out from under the heel of this despot.  I absolve ye of all responsibilty.

B.T.W. I've been with the "little lady" now for 31 years 5 months
Does this count towards the pennance ?

Not fer you moi son, but Mrs Moley is close ter a sainthood

Father Lloydie

[Lloydie]

Father Lloydie writes:

Brudder Huw,  Oi am most glad dat ye have taken der opportunity ta get dis off yer chest.  Yer have clearly an honestly confessed ta yer willfull woindin up o' Sister Susan o' the TK/KT Convent.  Oi tink dat in der circumstances Oi will let Sister Susan meet out any punishment at der interdenominational gaterin in Edinburgh dis year.  May she be merciful upon yer soul.

Father lloydie

[siwan]

Father, what I am about to confess is entirely the fault of the demon drink Jack Daniels and not through any maliciousness on my part.
About 8-9 years ago, I used to enjoy some wild nights of drinking the brown stuff until the early hours at where I regard as my local, which is 10 miles from my home. As i lived so far from the pub I would usually end up crashing at random places at the end of the night. On this particular occassion, a male friend offered a spare room at his parents house. We will call him Spanar. Now my mate was waiting for his and his fiancee's houseto be built,  and therefore lived at his parents. We got to the house drunk as skunks, said our goodnights and we both went to our different rooms. I woke up to the sounds of voices
"WHo have you got there with you?"
"What are you moidering about woman, go back to bed. Theres nobody here"
"Yes there is . Who is it?"
Silence
"It s Siwan"
"Oh my God"
Door closes, as his mum leaves the room.

I opened my eyes and looked to my left, seeing my mate
"What the hell am I doing here"
"Dont know SIw!"
I was fully dressed and everything -thank God, and we realised that Id slept walked to his bed. I left in the morning feeling awful because I was still too drunk to try to explain anything to his parents.
I phoned spanar later on and he said that his mother was throwing his clothes out of the window, accussing him of allsorts.
Anyway I asked him if he had found my wallet, which I thouht i had left somewher in the house.
Now this lost wallet turned out to be my saviour. What had really happened that night was that I not only had slept walked to spanar's room , but before this I had wlaked into his parents room, walked up to their bedside drawers, taken all the clothes out of the drawers and put my wallet inside it, put a few clothes in, closed the drawers and left the room. The bang of the door had woken up the mother who had then thought it was a bit odd, because even though her son slept walked, he never closed their bedroom door. She had then got up and checked on Spanar and found me.OOPS
Forunately the next afternoon, his mum had found my purse ,and they all had a good laugh about what happened. Im still being reminded of it today!
So father, I do sleep walk, so I tell everyone that I stay with about my habit, and vouch to not touch the demon jack for a while. Please forgive me, cos I wasnt that bad was I???

[siwan]

O father, it's nearly sunday, and having just been training on the punch bag in the shed outside, I suddenly remembered another sin which must be confessed.
I was about 18 years old, and had been kicking and punching the bag in the shed for a while, when I noticed a box full of kitchen tiles lying in the corner. Now we lived in an old farmhouse with many out buildings and therefore was used to various objects being left unwanted around the place.
The previous week, someone had told me that in their karate/ martial art gradings they had to break tiles and things. SO, I was very curious as to whether this feat was really hard and whether their training was so different to ours to be able to do this.
Now this box of tiles gave me the opportunity to test this feat myself. Out the ycame and I lined about 5 on top of each other, then proceeded to puch through the tiles. Seeing that this was not too hard, and relishing the feeling of breaking them, I lined more on top of each other, smashiing them to bits. I ended up smashing the whole box which in the beginning had around 25 tiles. I threw the pieces to the back of another shed, to hide the evidence just in case they were wanted one day.
The next week, my mum asked me if I had seen a box of tiles in one of the sheds, as it was needed to finish off the washing utility room.
 I denied knowing anything about the tiles,and they were never found. A new box had to be bought, and the mystery of the missing tiles was never uncovered.Until now.
SO father, as it was in the name of karate experimentation and "training", I ask forgiveness.

[Lloydie]

Father Lloydie writes:

BeJaysus!!!  A dooble confession from Sister Siwan of the Immaculate Mawashigeri!!!!  'Tis shocked to the core Oi am, Sister.  Have Oi not told yer toime an toime agin not ta be trusting that John Daniels fella??  Oi will fergive yer, but Oi can see yer sleep-walkin moight cause a few problems at the Indernominational Gaddering in Edinburgh.  Oi can't be having one of moi Sisters awanderin around the halls o' residence - especially wit dat Saxon crowd der !!!
Tankfully, Brother Azzy has kindly offered to kip an oiye on yer every noight, so now Oi know yer'll be safe  

you are Forgiven

Father Lloydie

[Lloydie]

Father lloydie writes:

Oi now turn ta der second o' yer sinful behaviours Sister.

Oi must say dat Oi foind a bit o' a pattern emerging here Sister, one sin concerns a noight on the toiles an de udder was a day on the toiles.

Now, Oi am mindful, so Oi am of der fact dat ye were simply experimenting and dat it twas not wit maliciousness dat ye broke der toiles.  However, Oi tink that ye should troi hittin sometink a wee bit less fragoile.  Step forward Brother Pioden    

You are Forgiven

Father Lloydie

[Mole Bach]

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been two weeks since my last confession.

Before I begin father, I would like to make it clear that the person who received the brunt of my cunning deserved it, he was a lazy, conniving little toad who would do anything to sit around and do nothing while others grafted, he was “service dept”.

It started off quite innocently, I was a heating engineer then, working for a local firm, with a heavy workload and timescales to finish jobs (you had 41/2 days to install a full heating system in some ones house, and me being the conscientious type, I would make sure that the house would be cleaned from top to bottom before I left).  

Now by the end of the week, I would be absolutely knackered, because I would also get jobs to do “on the way”.  The last thing to do after I had tested the system would be for my colleague to turn up and commission the boiler (one screwdriver, test gauge and smirk ), and he would turn up in his gleaming clean red van (we had dirty white ones) and he’d take great pleasure in telling us what he’d been doing (or rather what he hadn’t been doing) for the rest of the day.

Now this chap was a creature of habit, no matter where we were he sort of wanted to have a rest, and he would lean on the top casing of the boilers before doing anything, now Father, all boiler casings are made of metal, and as you know, metal is a great conductor of electricity, so I hatched a plan to wipe that smirk off his face, and could not wait for the next job he’d turn up on.  

Father, I know that what I did was potentially very dangerous, but believe me, it was the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen, you see, after I had tested the system on the next job, I re-wired the boiler and sort of made the casing live…and when he turned up and lent on the casing he sort of flew across the room and landed un-ceremoniously in a heap, with a shocked look on his face, babbling something in-coherent, whilst I folded on the floor in fits of laughter.  Because he was all shaken up, he went out to sit in the van, in the mean time, I re-wired the boiler again back to normal.

Father, I’m not proud of this, but, I sort of did this on ALL the boilers that I installed for the next month (6 in total), and he had to go off sick for a while, he even got the boss of the firm to call out an engineer from the manufacturer out, who for some reason could not find anything wrong with the boilers   (mud on face).

I never told him that it was me who was responsible for his suffering, but at least I now know that it is possible to throw people without touching them like that Aiki-do fellow .

[Mole Bach]

Forgive me father for I have sinned…

Dear Father, this little incident took place a little after my dabble with electricity, and as you may have gathered, I was not particularly fond of the gentleman in question, and so, he sort of got the brunt of this accident again.

Whilst working for the firm previously mentioned, we all had our own vehicles, Astra’s, Jeep’s, Transit’s etc, but we had to share the big trailer to carry rubbish in, and we had interchangeable number plates on the trailer to keep within the law.

The habit that we ALL had in common though, was that if you were driving along and saw another van in front, then you would get as close as you can to their back and try to ‘nudge’ them (I know that’s stupid, but it’s fun when you’re 21yrs old).

Anyway, I was travelling along one day through the town of Pwllheli, and I spotted in my rear view mirror, one of the other’s jeep fast approaching, now I thought to myself, “right, long trailer, long van…injury minimal”, and as the jeep got closer and closer, I jammed on the brakes and law and behold there was a sudden jerk, bang and the trailer sort of lifted off the floor a little bit.

I got out of my van to inspect the damage, and after some friendly banter (everybody was called w£%&*r) we noticed that the lights of the trailer was smashed to bits, well really what do you expect, the jeep had bull bars.

On my way back to the yard though, I knew that I’d be in for it for the mess on the trailer, and so when I got back to the yard and found it empty (everybody else had gone home early), I changed the number plate on the trailer for someone else’s (no prize for guessing).

The following week, the boss took the trailer out, and he went bonkers when he saw the mess on the back of the trailer, the smashed lights, the buckled bar, the bent tailgate, the broken hinges, the scratches.  Now the boss was no fool, and he knew instantly that the damage was caused by the last one to use it, so all he had to do was check the number plate; yes Father, my ‘friend’ got the blame, the bollocking, the docking of his pay, the written warning, the banishment back to unblocking drains, in fact, I think that he sort of got all the crap jobs for the next month, leaving the rest of us to get on with the nice jobs, and generally having a good time.

I’m not proud of this incident Father, breaking suddenly when travelling at some speed could cause someone serious injury, and trying to ‘nudge’ other vehicles is a very dangerous thing to do, and as for my poor workmate who had to go on half pay for three weeks to pay for the damage.  Well, he wasn’t one to go out on the beer anyway, so no loss there.