Topic: ANECDOTES - OTHER THAN KARATE......

[dogberry]

I THOUGHT I WOULD START A THREAD SHARING SOME 'EXPERIENCES' WE HAVE ALL HAD IN OUR VARIED PROFESSIONS. THEY ARE MEANT TO AMUSE,AS WE ARE ONLY HUMAN AT THE END OF THE DAY.

 PLEASE DO NOT FEEL THAT YOU AT RISK WONDERING WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE DOING
TEACHING,SAVING,GUARDING,REASSURING,NURSING US ETC.
SO COME ON TELL US ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll start...........I was a witness at crown court following the investigation of a nasty assault whereby the injured party sustained losing part of his LEFT EAR following a fight in a pub toilet.

My involvement was interviewing the offender who openly admitted biting his opponent simply because
 "WELL HE HIT ME SO HARD THAT MY EYE FELL OUT....I HEARD THE COPS WERE COMING SO I RAN OFF...... I RETURNED LATER AND FOUND MY EYE IN THE BOG, CLEANED IT IN THE SINK.....PUT IT BACK IN............. I FELT BAD SO I THOUGHT I SHOULD COME IN AND GIVE MYSELF UP"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE KNOCKED YOUR EYE OUT?"

"OH YEH, I FORGOT TO MENTION, I'VE GOT THIS GLASS EYE" (proceeds to stick his fingers in his left eye).

"O.K, I BELIEVE YOU................WHAT ABOUT HIS EAR?"

" I DUNNO, I THINK I SPAT IT OUT"


Anyway he was charged with assault and we all ended up in crown court.

The crown prosecution barrister was concerned about conflicting evidence he had found in witness statements which was that the medical examiner had stated that it was the RIGHT EAR that had been severed whereas the injured party claimed it was his LEFT EAR.

I pointed out the injured party who was sat in the waiting room "GO AND ASK HIM FOR YOURSELF" I said "HE'S SAT OVER THERE"


The barrister returned almost in tears laughing "WELL OFFICER, WE HAVE GOT NO CHANCE WITH THIS ONE".

"WHY?" I asked

" I ASKED.... WHICH EAR WAS IT THAT YOU INJURED....HE REPLIED ......."1996,SIR"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MORE TO COME BUT I'M SURE YOU ALL HAVE TALES TO TELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOGBERRY

[Lloydie]

OK First let's set the scene:  This is years ago in one of the big (now defunct) psychiatric hospitals.  These places were spread over 100's of acres of land, and whilst this was pleasant for staff and clients, it did present a problem when a client needed to be transferred, from one outlying ward to the main building.  Such transfers were sometimes of the "emergency" type, necessitating quick responses from the transport department of the hospital.  In this particular hospital they had it down to a fine art.  They had a "chauffeur", i.e. a person who drove the hospital car and conveyed clients to various other hospitals and venues, on call at all times.  "Driver" seemed to be such a common term, "Chauffeur" on the other hand conveyed a wistful, genteel picture of days gone by, and so "chauffer" it was.  In an emergency a chauffeur would be at your door in about 2 minutes, tops.

One day, on one of the outlying wards, a client became particularly distressed, and a decision was taken by the nurse in charge to transfer the client to another ward.  However, before the wheels could be set in motion (no pun intended), the situation became rather tense, i.e. the nurse in charge and the staff nurse had to hang on to the client, to prevent him harming himself and/or others, resulting in all three rolling around on the floor.  This leaves a poor, unfortunate, inexperienced student nurse free, to take instructions from the (now sweating and struggling) staff.
This particular ward was on two levels and, as it happened, all the action was taking place on the 1st floor.   Anyway, the charge nurse, who is getting a bit fatigued, shouts to the student "Get the Chauffer, QUICK!!".

The student vanishes.  2 Minutes go by, then 5, then 10!  Life is becoming increasingly difficult for the main players, and all are wondering what has happened to the normally efficient transfer system.

SUDDENLY, the door to the stairs bursts open, and in lurches the student, absolutely lathered in sweat, and manhandling a huge couch chair, which he sprawls theatrically in front of him and then collapses to the side of it.   As the (now static with shock) trio view this panting apparition, the student blurts out with his last available gasps:  "Sorry..couldn't..get........the....SOFA..up..the.......stairs......so..... I.....brought.......the......chair...instead...........

A strange, (but true) story, my friends.  The poor student, whose name was Eryl (no relation to our Eryl), never lived it down, and  was forever known as "Eryl Sofa" from that time on.

lloydie

[Moley]

When I was a kid I used to work in Woolworths as a stockroom assistant. Although extremely hard work it was good pocket money and I used to really enjoy going there on a Saturday and in the holidays. I was there from the ages of 14 till I was 19 and at one time worked alongside a lad called Llion. Now Llion was what we called a full time Woolies worker and during his time there provided us with plenty of hilarious anecdotes. Apart from the time he put the Boss' dog into the wrong car in the car park and apart from the time when he had appendicitis and nobody believed him, the story that sticks in my mind is the time we went to the bank.
We were paid our wages at Friday lunchtime and every Friday after receiving our pay, Llion would be down the shops spending it. He would always buy new clothes and then go out in them that night. Saturday morning would see Llion unloading lorries in the new clothes. He would then wear these all week until the following Friday when he would buy replacements. On one such Friday Llion bought a pair of the new Platform Soled shoes that were all the rage in the early seventies. Mind you he did go over the top and buy some really outrageous ones. Lo and behold the following morning he turned up for work wearing them. As soon as he walked in the door Mr Bostock the manager said that there was no way on earth that he was going to work in those shoes as Llion was the most accident prone fellow he had ever seen. He gave him some money out of his own pocket and sent him out to buy sensible shoes to work in that day as we had about three lorries coming in for unloading. On Saturday afternoon it was the custom to take money to the bank. Robin the Stockroom manager would carry the leather moneybag full of Notes whilst Llion and myself would carry about £500 each in coin. The coin was in cloth bags. We used to love going to the bank at the bottom of Pool Street in Caernarfon and used to swagger down the street pretending we were Armed guards or something. Anyway on this day just before we were to go to the bank, Llion disappeared to the toilets and reappeared wearing his new Platform Soles. Robin said something sarcastic but we then set off for the bank. In those days there was traffic on this road with a Zebra crossing at the bottom by the bank. As we were crossing the road Llion overbalanced on his new heels. He stumbled, knocked about three people over and the last I saw was both legs up in the air and £500 worth of coins showering all over the road. It took the three of us ages to pick them up and luckily passers by came to help and the police stopped the traffic. When we got back, Mr Bostock was furious. He had to unload all the lorries on his own whilst wearing his business suit.
When he asked us where on earth we had been, Llion cooly answered.
Oh we had trouble with the coppers.

[dogberry]

You've all seen police academy, well its got nothing on the academy I trained at in WARRINGTON.

One of my blurred memories was RIOT TRAINING.

Not being the largest of chaps it was common for those a little taller, yet cerebraly challenged, to take the mick out of those us struggling against gravity  

Whilst donned up in full riot gear wearing a riot helmet which continuously steamed up, we all lined up in front of a doorway which had a balcony at about 25' high above it. Stood on this balcony was a neanderthal sergeant holding up tyres in each hand.  

I watched horrified as this 'thing' hurled the tyres down upon those officers carrying a thin piece of plastic called a shield.

Many collapsed having been unable to sustain the weight of the kit,shield and 'exorcet michelins' being landed upon them.  

Those I saw make it through the doorway, I later saw sprawled on the floor. Why you might ask?  

I shuffled towards the doorway keeping one eye on the neanderthal sergeant and one on the person in front who was a quiet chap from SOUTH YORKSHIRE.

The tyre landed on top of his shield ,but he managed find his way through the doorway.To my horror I could see another larger neanderthal wealding a BASEBALL BAT and having a right go at the officer therein.

The quiet officer stopped still,threw down his shield then his helmet and screamed a lot of verbal abuse at the instructors. I didn't see much of SIMON after that............    

The scenario resumed and I shuffled forward ,more concerned about what waited within (especially now that SIMON had wound them up ) I forgot about what was above me and the next thing my world went dark      and I could hear someone screaming obscenities at me and slamming my shield so hard that i was now bouncing off one wall to the next.
This went on for an eternity (60 secs)  

 All went quiet!?

When light next appeared I could see loads of coppers on the floor rolling around laughing.  

It transpired that as I went for the door I forgot to raise my shield above my head.

 Two tyres landed around my neck and all went dark.

 I then fell into the room running straight at the MAD BASEBALL WIELDING NEANDERTHAL PERSON who took evasive action by stepping to one side (GOOD SABAKI)  whereby I ran straight into the wall and was bounced off by the tyres and then subjected to a game of human pinball.

Afterwards I was congratulated  for keeping the shield up and not removing my helmet and for shouting as I dealt with the threat.

SHOUTING!!!!     I was SCREAMING WITH FEAR not knowing what the hell was going on.  

Needless to say I didnt do much RIOT TRAINING thereafter as fortunately it was a voluntary thing.

10 yrs later I volunteered my services once again - on the basis of the prospect of earning shed loads of overtime and knowing that they now send the dogs in first!!!!!!    

  One lesson learnt - I always look up before entering buildings just incase its a fridge freezer and not a tyre being thrown.

I'm told FRIDGEFREEZERS are not so easy to wear    

DOGBERRY

[h]

Giz  can I quiz you on 2 sports sciency type things (not sure when I'll next see you in person)?

Could you find out about ordering me a set of gymnastic rings similar to those in the dojo? Garry has promised to hang them in the boat barn (when he hangs my punch bag) and I could spend many a happy wee hour monkeying about on them. I probrably need the straps too but I can access suitable climbing/yaching rope. My physiotherapist friend has a catalouge with that sort of sports gear but it's a nightmare trying to do an NHS order for personal use.  


The other query concerns JJB staff. Is there someone you could recommend to put a good, female sensitive - [if you know what i mean I don't want to look like swartzeniger] weights programme together for me. I'm fed up messing around with my old routine and want an efficient workout for when I return to full time work next month. I've overheard some of the yellowcoats advise others and have been less than impressed. I'm OK on the cardiovascu;ar stuff (I think).
no problems if you can't - I'll find a book
h

[h]

Have any of you heard?
The United Mistakes of America (well NY) have finally got something right (en route to WW III) - they've banned mobile phones in public places (theratre, cinema etc); imposing a 50 dollar fine for noisey interuptions? Can we adopt that rule in the dojo mole ? _ did you notice one going off again tonight?  
Guess you're all in the pub now - lucky swans - (my bath is drawn see yah) If Giz is in the pub hassel him for my gym rings please.
h

[gizmo]

Little h - hope you're enjoying your bath. I'm still looking for the catalogues - I'll let you know as soon as I find anything. Note down for me your current regime and I'll look at it with you.

[Moley]

If Giz is in the pub hassel him for my gym rings please.
h

Oi,
Now that's enough of that !
We dont encourage Piercings and that sort of thing in the club cos it interferes with your karate and could be dangerous!

Ooooooooh
I feel all faint and queasy just thinking about it.

[h]

mole wrote

We dont encourage Piercings and that sort of thing

I'm with mole on that piercings (and tatoos - sorry jewels ) are uck .....especially when the wearer is over 25 yearrs of age



ask me about my dad's tatoos and how he got them and how he hates them -


Bet it turns out you've got a blinkin' tatoo mole??? some sort of  japanese warrior thing? uck.
h

[h]

Giz - sorry I ignored your response (got side tracked with thoughts of body piercing and tatoos - I knpw you've got one as well -----uck)   but thanks for trying to get my gym rings - I almost did a whizz around on them tonight....

Re the training regime I don't have a written down work out I just do the stuff I like (cause I'm good at it) and the stuff I hate (cause I know it's good for me). My regime is the amalgamation (sp?) of many years of wieght training at various different clubs with various degrees of enthusiasm and expertise.... If I get my head together and try to record an "average" programme would you look at that?    The point being _ I'll need fast and furious work out when II go back to FT work as I find it virtually impossible to get away and when I'm not working I've got Jen.
h

[Moley]

Bet it turns out you've got a blinkin' tatoo mole??? some sort of  japanese warrior thing? uck.
h

Giz - sorry I ignored your response (got side tracked with thoughts of body piercing and tatoos - I knpw you've got one as well -----uck)

 
Ahhh Pandora,
Thou hast let the cat out of the bag and unearthed for all to read
the DARK SECRET OF THE SEKI. Trust a woman to ferret around and discover that which is best kept secret and then tell the world.
Now I have no choice and must relate the saga of  THE BRANDING OF THE GIZMO.
The device which you spied on GIZMOS biceps is not a Tatoo at all, it is a BRAND; it was burnt into his flesh using a RED HOT SEKI STAMP. (You know the one, the one we stamp the books with)
This ancient ceremony called THE STAMPING OF THE SEKI is based on an ancient Shaolin custom whereby; when the SEKI can snatch the KURO OBI (Black belt) from the Masters hand, then it is TIME TO BE STAMPED. Following GIZMOS success at this all the ancient SEKI gathered at the Sacred place where the HEAVENLY LIQUID was uncorked. Each SEKI tasted of its Magical qualities and were elevated to a higher plane. The SEKI unveiled their SECRET MARK showing the GIZMO what would be required of him. The GIZMO was then encouraged to partake huge quantities of the HEAVENLY LIQUID as he would need its sustenance for the trials ahead. On chanting of the Sacred words (GET HIM) the SEKI jumped upon the GIZMO and tried to hold him down. So great was his desire for more HEAVENLY LIQUID that it took ten of them to hold him down. He was in great pain and called out for MORE WHISKY ! But we managed to pin him down with the promise that more would be his after the ceremony was completed. The SEKI stamp was thrust into the glowing coals and left until it was red hot. Then THE DARK LORD OF THE SITH took the red hot stamp and pressed it into the GIZMOS flesh. Hence the mark you now see.
The ceremony concluded when all the HEAVENLY LIQUID was consumed.
It has been suggested by THE DIVINE RULER that the Ceremony be performed on ICY. But as she is a Lady and might want to wear beautiful evening dresses, he suggests that the mark should be administered to a part of the anatomy not normally visible.
AZZY got all exited and keeps insisting that he be present at the CEREMONY. I don’t know why ?

[h]

Hey you make a great story-teller mole. Thanks for making me chuckle in amongst all my paperork. Did you answer my query in all that? Do you too have a brand (I promise I won't say uck)?

Can we have a seki brand display at the kata workshop (as well as a demonstartion of katas weird and unusual)? pretty please


And ... you can't blame the contents on the one opening the box
h

[h]

I see Dave is on line - got one for you .

I was reading me old mate Karl Jung the other day and he said

"unless you are close enough to be influenced you cannot influence"  

 (or words to that effect).

He was talking of psychotherapy of course but it could have various bunkai.
h

[Lloydie]

little h wrote:

I see Dave is on line - got one for you .
I was reading me old mate Karl Jung the other day and he said
"unless you are close enough to be influenced you cannot influence"
(or words to that effect).
He was talking of psychotherapy of course but it could have various bunkai.

I didn't know you were a Jung fan h!!

me too!!!

I've got every album he ever did  -  I also thought his stint with Pearl Jam was rather good

lloydie

[Huw]

I didn't know you were a Jung fan h!!

me too!!!

I've got every album he ever did  -  I also thought his stint with Pearl Jam was rather good

ROTFLMAO - great.

It has been suggested by THE DIVINE RULER that the Ceremony be performed on ICY. But as she is a Lady and might want to wear beautiful evening dresses, he suggests that the mark should be administered to a part of the anatomy not normally visible.

Moley I have made no such suggestion for branding ANY of the Seki femmes. Your just trying to get me into trouble - and believe me I don't need assistance in that area.

One of Icy's recent suggestions was burying me up to my knees in her garden for occasional use as a makiwara      Don't encourage her !!